Reminding myself why i don’t love my mom

I don’t hate her or wish her misfortune. I just don’t love her like most people are supposed to love their mom. I beat myself up a lot for this, like I feel that something’s wrong with me, but then I remember that the worst betrayals in my life were from her.

From the ages 12-15 we had weekly “meetings” where she would list off all of the things she didn’t like about my personality that I needed to change. These would start at 10pm on school nights and often go until midnight or 1am.

She told me that I “ruined every special occasion” on my 16th birthday.

I was 17. The night before my high school graduation we were arguing because she accused me of ruining the festivities (I was depressed and scared about starting the next chapter of my life.) She was screaming at me for hours and I told her that I was going to get in my car and drive into a tree to kill myself. She didn’t turn around from washing the dishes. Back to me, she didn’t say anything. Just let me get in my car. Luckily I didn’t drive away.

When I was 18 I was very depressed and I intentionally cut myself. It was pretty bad. I realized that I made a huge mistake and left my room to try to find a first aid kit. While I was struggling to stop the bleeding in our kitchen, the only thing my mom said was that I was so “grouchy” lately and I should apologize to her.

Blames me (still) for being the victim of abuse at my exes hand. When I was 19 I finally called the cops on him she just bitched me out the whole time. My friend drove me to the police station, not her. When he kept on stalking me and I decided to get a restraining order, she tried to convince me to not get one. I went to every court hearing by myself.

I’m 20. She wants me to go to therapy with her. She begs me to spend time with her like go on walks. I feel awful for saying no but I’m so uncomfortable by her presence that I can’t even stand it. I wish that I loved my mother, but I really wish that I had a mother that loved me first.