Fucked up and jealous over coworkers sex life

(F) It’s so not rational but the level that it’s fucked me up is wild. I don’t obsess over other people like I used to, I focus on myself/people close to me most of the time so this came out of left field.

This girl is married, they’re high school sweethearts. Shes also very pretty with a nice body that I can’t help but compare myself to. She’s alluded very naturally to a kinky sex life, joking about having bruises in weird places.

I basically spiraled after realizing. I had a bf I was in love with and we were kinky too, but it went to hell and I’m single now. Just the fact that she has what she has; an attractive husband that wanted her from a young age and loves her, when so few men willingly commit at all. I can’t get the thought of her doing things like what she hinted at out of my head.

And she’s not bragging, she has no reason to and lives low key. That fucks me up more because she clearly doesn’t care about validation. She’s secure in her relationship and living the dream. I don’t feel hatred or wish unhappiness on her. It just cuts deep. It’s funny because I didn’t feel all that jealous of her before except for her looks, but I didn’t dwell on it to an unhealthy degree until now.

I’m literally just venting bc I know the typical “you don’t know what it’s like in their relationship, no one’s perfect, don’t compare, be happy being you’ but like her life is objectively better than mine and that’s the truth. She is living my fantasy. People say these things because there isn’t another option. Yeah since I can’t have what she does I have to accept reality and try to be happy with mine. Being alive really is just settling, including for yourself.