My emotions being invalidated have made me a bad mother.

When I lived at home and even as I entered adulthood, my mom invalidated my feelings and experiences by always telling me I was lying. Twice I tried to keep a diary so I could have an outlet and both times my mother went snooping through my room to try and find it. Both times my mom confronted me with my diary and would always say I was ungrateful and selfish and how could I think so many lies... How I am sick in the head and am probably schizophrenic or a sociopath because everything I wrote never happened, or didn't happen quite the way I thought.

Like, why the fuck would I lie on something that was supposed to only be for me and not have anyone else read it... Seriously, wtf.

I tried to get help from a few of the other adults my life, but they were on my mom's side. She gave up everything and was the BEST mom out there... They always tried to verify what I said by going to her and of course she would say I was lying. Like, if she was a good parent who's kid was compulsively lying, they would try to get their kid emotional support, but nope, that never happened. Instead she went to therapy and brought me so she could unload on me and in the end of the session she was like, why would you lie about me like that, you hurt me so much, now I can't go back to to this counselor because he's going to think I'm a bad person.

If I cried she would dig her nails into me and tell me not to cry. Or she would see that something made me upset, and then announce it to the company we were in, "No body look at OP, she's so sensitive, she's going to cry, don't look at her it will cause her to cry".

Anyways, I wasnt allowed to be upset, or to let it be known I was upset. My brain got wired this way. Now as a parent, I catch myself being hard core triggered by my baby and my toddler whining or crying. I try very hard to be sympathetic and to let them cry and express their emotions.

Today I yelled at my 6 month old to "shut the fuck up and stop whining. I give you all the toys and you keep throwing them away, I have shit to do". He cried, I said sorry and imagined how big of a fuggly ogre I looked like to him, how scary it was, and then I broke down crying. Who says that to a child, a baby. A bad mother. A mother with mental health issues, a mother that doesn't know how to regulate her own emotions because I was never taught to.

I'm crying as I write this. I just needed to tell someone, to not hold it in. I'm not okay, it's not okay. It's not the first time I've done it. I feel like shit everytime, and then I self harm because I deserve the pain.

Edit: Sorry I haven't been able to respond to all yet. I appreciate the care and time you all spent in your comments. I have been only able to sit down and respond back during baby's nap time. Next nap I will respond more.