30f depression manifesting as intense anger pls help

I really really need to talk to someone rn. I am so fucking irritated by my sisters and I can’t get myself to understand why. They haven’t really “done” anything that would warrant anger to this extent and yet I am literally so angry I keep leaving, having meltdowns and crying. I can’t explain how angry I am, it’s genuinely terrifying.

And now I feel like such a buzzkill because I bring bad vibes with me whenever i’m around them. I’m the oldest, they’re like 10-8 years younger than me. I’ve been having a severe mental health episode for going on a month now. I thought i’d take myself on a self-care trip to a nearby resort city and I made the mistake of asking them to ho with me, now my trip is over today and all I did was be mad the entire time wishing I just came alone.

They only came with me to take selfies every 2 seconds, show off to their friends, take a picture at literally any and every spot where “the lighting is bomb.” I’ll be talking and they’ll just be on their phones pouting and snapping pic after pic. It never ends. The selfies never end. And I get it, I was once their age too and probably used to do the same. So I feel so ridiculous for being so irrationally angry over it.

I feel bitter, resentful and ashamed that i’m envious of my own little sisters. I feel ashamed that I hate them. They’re carefree, have friends everywhere they go, are genuinely funny, stylish and pretty. I feel like an old hag when i’m next to them. My skin has already wrinkled/sags so much because i’m always angry and frowning. Have had a resting anger/depressed face for years and now it’s permanent. I haven’t had a good life. I’ve been dealing with a declining mental health since I was their age and i’m so fucking bitter.

We were supposed to go out together today for our last day here but I literally just dropped them off and left them to figure out what they’re gonna do. I’m sure they’re just walking around taking pictures of themselves anywhere cute.

I’m in the car by myself trying not to have another nervous breakdown. I feel like my mood is irrevocably ruined and all I want to do is stay angry and seethe in it. But who’s that helping? I’m literally only poisoning myself with this jealousy/animosity. I hate my fucking mind, it is the worst enemy i’ve ever known.

I need anger management. I feel ugly. I look ugly. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to punch a wall. I want to yank my heart out from my chest and trample down on it. I feel so disgusted with myself. I’m so fucking sick of myself and my stupid erratic mood swings. Nobody wants to be around me for it, and I understand bc I wouldn’t either.