Crusader Kings 3 in 2036

The year is 2036, and I'm diving into the latest CK3 patch, "Romantic Relations VR." As I boot up the game, my virtual councilor reminds me that the "More Incest" DLC is 75% off this week.

I decide to play as a humble count in Ireland. Within minutes, my character's wife has somehow seduced half the court, my spymaster is plotting to murder me (while having a +100 opinion of me), and my heir has developed both genius and imbecile traits simultaneously.

Desperately trying to secure my dynasty's future, I arrange a marriage for my daughter with a prestigious French noble. However, by the time the betrothal is accepted, he's somehow become a horse, converted to a randomly generated faith that worships turnips, and is leading a peasant revolt in Kazakhstan.

My character joins a society dedicated to fitness, only to immediately become obese, stressed, and develop gout. Meanwhile, my 90-year-old rival with one leg, cancer, and the plague continues to thwart every single one of my murder schemes while regularly winning martial tournaments.

In an attempt to gain some stability, I decide to go on a pilgrimage. Halfway through, I get an event where I can either lose an eye, become best friends with a suspicious mushroom, or have my character discover they were actually three children in a trenchcoat this whole time.

As my realm descends into chaos, the Pope calls a Crusade for Antarctica. My character dies in battle defending penguin Jerusalem, only for my new heir to inherit - who turns out to be an immortal bear that I apparently adopted at some point.

As I watch my dynasty somehow simultaneously become the most prestigious and most inbred family in Europe, I realize the true crusade was the family members we married along the way.