I feel bad. I literally just ghosted and left.
On a throwaway but i need to get this out.
I kind of feel horrible. Been with this girl for over 1.5 years and when I tell you I loved her more than anything, it's the truth.
The last 6 months have been a mess. Constant break ups, physical abuse (from her part), and other emotional manipulation. We kept going in and out of being together and than not being together. Every time I would come back. I honestly can't believe I even came back after the physical abuse that occurred not once, but 2x....but I did.
She always thought I was cheating, lying, etc. when this couldn't be further from the truth. I never cheated and I had no reason to lie about anything. I just go to work and work on a side project, that's really all I do in my life. Towards the last 6 months I never even argued my case, I would just be like "I mean if you think that go for it" - I was just so over the nonsense. To be honest I think it was all projection on her part but I have no proof.
I knew deep down this would never work but I literally couldn't let go. I just wished and wished if I loved her enough she would stop sabotaging everything....but no, she couldn't do that. Every time we made progress she'd just tear it down repeatedly. The yelling, demeaning words, demanding stuff, fuck it was horrible.
About 2 weeks ago I was planning on going on a 1 day trip for a family event. I never introduced her to my family as they live really dam far.
When I told her I was going for 1 day, obviously she just went cold and silent. All I wanted was to see her and say bye I'll miss you but I will be back soon...but no, she couldn't come say bye.
In the morning I woke up and decided not to go because I felt bad for her and wanted to go surprise her. On my way over I had a huge sudden realization and just went back home.
I realized how alone I was and how alone I always was with her. She was never there for me when I needed it. Always selfishly wanted me all to herself. I mean I didn't go back home to see my family for 1 DAY because I felt bad for her? What kind of craziness is that.
The double standards she had, not caring about my feelings, isolating me, etc. I didn't want to give her anymore of me. I just felt totally uncomfortable and I literally haven't responded to a single text or call from her since. I just ghosted and left.
I wanted the most simple reciprocation from her. Respect, kindness, and being caring - but I realized I literally got none of that from her. None whatsoever. How did I put up with this for so long?
Anyway...I'm just feeling really down that I ghosted her. I feel like I should've said something, but anything I ever say to her gets twisted and manipulated into being my fault...so I just stay silent. My words or feelings never really mattered to her anyway.