Its been 3 months and I feel insane.

Its officially been 3 months since i was discarded and replaced. Ive been able to gather my emotions and anxiety to an extent but I'm still so crippled. I shouldnt even be counting but its not like i mean to. I've thrown away all her things, blocked her everywhere, tried to move on and better myself. My head is in agony. Every second of every day im getting reminders and flashbacks and intrusive thoughts of her. The memories hurt so much and the feelings sting me to my core. I'm so mentally exhausted and drained. Its like the worlds grey and null. I keep pushing and pushing but its been 3 months and I don't know how long I can keep dealing with my head being like this. Its so loud and crowded, I have no control over my own thoughts or feelings. I just want to be free of this fucking mental torment. Am I doing this to myself? I know i hate her but i know i also still yearn for her. Why cant my brain just let me fucking move on. I'm actively trying my best. I dont even know who to talk to (other than a therapist im starting tomorrow) because its all just me repeating the same shit over and over. All day every day im just stuck in this mental spiders web and shes the fucking black widow shaking the strands. I'm tired, and I'm lonely, and I'm so sick of feeling like this. I'm in no danger, but god do i wish i could quiet my head down. It only dulls when I drink which I'm trying to avoid because I'm aware thats a dangerous coping mechanism. I want to cry but my body won't let me. I hate that i miss her. I feel helpless.